Tuesday, September 7, 2010

i have to confess...

...the hardest part for me personally about fostering is letting go. not just letting go of the boys, as i think anyone would expect that to be hard, but just letting go of control and surrendering the situation to God. i completely and utterly stink at this!

just when i feel like i'm getting to a place where i'm accepting the outcome of our time with the boys, something else hits me like a freight train and knocks me completely off balance. even small stuff! take last night for example: i went to bed in a pretty good place. ryan and i had a sweet time of prayer for the boys, for our waiting ethiopian child, for a few of our friends going through rough times, and for our marriage. we read the Word together, talked, prayed, and laughed. i fell asleep not only in the arms of my sweet husband but also in the arms of powerful, loving, kind, compassionate Father. however, by 5:45 this morning i was awakened and startled by a very bad dream. the details are pretty foggy at this point but i know that it involved the boys being harmed by their biological parents and it really rocked me to the core. i was shaky, sweaty and very fearful when i woke up.

mentally i completely understand that what i saw last night was just a dream, but it was still very disturbing! even knowing it was a dream, i still have spent the last several hours obsessing over a lingering and gloomy feeling about the situation with the boys. i kissed P a few extra times this morning and tried to pray for my mind and spirit to relax, however the obsession was still gripping me late in the day. i am worried {which is not unusual for me} but i find myself overly worried today. just this one dream has put me in a tailspin of worry for the boys, doubting in God's sovereignty, paranoia about birth-parents, and just generally being upset. all because of a stupid dream!! weird, i know, but i think this once again highlights how quickly i am to try to handle things on my own and in my own way {which i wish i'd learn by now that it never gets me any where!}.

real talk...after praying about my fears and worry, i still decided to try to take matters into my own hands today. convinced that i am going to be some type of super spy or detective, i armed myself with the best tool in online stalking - f@cebook. truth be told, i probably check the boys' parents out at least on a weekly basis using fb, but today was different. i was extra hyped up and just sure that i would find something completely incriminating. no such luck {i guess luck is probably not the right word??} though.

the only thing i found was a picture of little mr. P at his mom's house with a curious male in the side of the picture - no face visible but i could see his tattoos on his arms and legs. instead of passing over the picture like a normal person, i seriously tried to zoom the picture to see if i could get any identifying information from the tattoos, but i once again came up empty handed. however, not stopping there, i decided to save the picture to my computer, just in case. i thought for sure that it might come in handy for a later court date or home visit. finally, as my last measure of insanity, i emailed the picture to ryan to ask if he thought the unidentified, headless stranger looked like someone he's met that's not supposed to be around the boys. i thought for sure that i had just caught the boys' mom red-handed and that we'd be able to turn the picture in to their SW, and be able to keep the boys forever and ever amen. {seriously, am i crazy or what?!?}

instead of getting the confirmation email i was waiting on from ryan, i got the following response:
"No I don’t recognize him. The best thing that we can do is worry about the things we can control and let the things that we can’t control fall where they may. I will be praying for you today that God protects you from Satan attacking you this way, which I think we would both agree is where you are probably most vulnerable right now. I know this is tough to think about but **birthmom is not in control, **SW is not in control, BUT God is in control of it all. (Not just some of it or most of it - ALL of it.) And His sovereign plans will not be thwarted. I love you and appreciate all of what you do and how much you care for everything."

what a punch in the gut!! no, my dear ryan did not recognize the mystery man in the picture, and, to top it off, he totally put me in my place! rightfully so. i broke down crying when i read his response, and began asking myself why i always think i can do things in my own strength.

today was a frustrating reminder that i am a total work in progress and that i need to continually be reminded to trust in the Lord with all my heart and to lean not into my own understanding {prov. 3:5}. He holds not only the plans for my life, but the plans for the boys and everyone else, and nothing i find on f@cebook is going to change that!!


-Wildflowers, 4cats and HomeTarts- said...

hugs (( ))

Life with Lucy said...

OH Les you are so normal! I can't imagine the weight of it all and the insanely difficult task of believing at every minute of every day that the Lord is in control in your season of life right now. You are amazing and so strong, and can't help that you love those boys so much that you don't want anything to happen to them. Your perseverance is so encouraging. Love you!

Katie said...

You don't sound crazy. You sound like a really great mother. I've been full of anxiety and worry lately and I recently started listening to Joyce Meyer, a wonderful preacher who focuses on how to control our thoughts. Not sure if you've ever listened to her, but her podcast is free on itunes and they're really short. Romans 10:17 says that faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God. It has dramatically helped me hearing someone talk about the Word of God--and it's increased my faith that God is trustworthy over my life.

my life: said...

Man...thank you for your honesty! I could have written this post nearly 23 times over. *the # of foster children we have loved* You are getting though...and keeping each other focused...I love that. Hold fast dear friend.

lesli said...

thanks y'all. it's been a rough week but that doesn't mean that God isn't good!!