Thursday, September 16, 2010

blessed be Your name

on sunday, we sang this song in church:

although i've sang that song for many years, in some way, i felt like i was hearing it for the first time. part of the lyrics say, "You give and take away. You give and take away. my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be Your name". as i was singing that, i completely broke down. at the time, i began thinking about our child in ethiopia somewhere probably blissfully unaware that we are waiting and longing for him/her to be in our arms. i also began thinking about R, who was sitting right next to me, and little P, who was happily playing upstairs in the church nursery. we know that they will not be with us much longer, and it is hard to think about what our relationship may look like with them a year from now. He gives and takes away.

at that moment, i felt the reality of both the giving and the taking.

verb, gave, giv·en, giv·ing
–verb (used with object)to present voluntarily and without expecting compensation;bestow

*we experienced God's outpouring of provision, love and fellowship through our both hands work day last saturday. over 60 sweet friends, fellow church members, and family came to help us and our widow. at the end of the day, we were completely humbled by the service of those who love us and those we love. all in a days work for one widow and one orphan!

*we have seen money coming in for our adoption in unexplainable ways and the financial burdened is being lightened! 6 months ago, i sat on the couch and cried over what seemed like an unsurmountable number. we knew that we could not afford adoption on our own, but we also could not deny the ache in our souls that God placed for the orphans of this world waiting to be added to a family. today, the number in front of us is unbelievably reduced because of how God is using his people.

*we have recently heard that we have been matched with a child in ethiopia! while we still do not have an official referral yet {or know any details about our child} because of waiting on a little bit of paperwork for our referral group, it is supposed to happen sometime soon :) finally, our child, the one we've prayed for, cried over and waited for is almost real to us!! while God has known all along who He had identified for us, the official workings of this world are happening to make that a reality.

we know that none of these things have to do with ryan or i. these are all gifts from our merciful Father!! He has given us so much more than we need or deserve, and we praise His name for that.

verb, took, tak·en, tak·ing

–verb (used with object) to withdraw or remove

*while we knew all along the risks associated with "fostering to adopt", mentally evaluating the risks and actually living them out are very different. even walking alongside my sister and her family as they raised, loved and then lost baby sam after 10 months could not prepare ryan and i for the pain of what these last few weeks have been and what the next few months will bring.

*i honestly dread the day when the boys are gone and the house is quiet again. i'm not quite sure how i will walk by their bedrooms and not feel the sting of our loss. i told ryan that i feel like part of my identity will be temporarily lost when they leave. i will no longer be the mom running errands with the kids, buying school supplies and diapers, and making dinners for our family meals. it will be hard to just be back into the lives of a married couple with no children after almost a year of living otherwise. {this being said, i'm so thankful for God's prompting to begin our adoption when we did! i by no means what our ethiopian child to be a replacement for the boys, but i know how much i will miss just being a mom and i can't wait to experience that again and in a new way with our child.}

*we are trying to prepare ourselves both mentally and emotionally for monday's foster care review board. we have been told that we will be asked to evaluate the boys' care, case plan, etc. in front of all parties involved and that's a little scary. we want more than anything to be the best possible advocates for our boys.

*we do not want to lose the boys from our lives, but we also know that God's plans for the boys and for us will not be thwarted. we do not know how we will be able to continue to be in R and P's lives over the passing years, but we pray that our relationships with them would not diminish completely.

while all these circumstances are very painful, i can truly attest that He is walking us through this little by little and will give us the grace to say goodbye when the time comes. as much as it hurts, i look forward to the day when i can look back on the heartache and know how God has used it for His glory!

blessed be Your name, Lord!!
we want to be a family that praises you in the giving but also in the taking.


Hope said...

What a sweet heart you have.

Can't wait to hear about your referral!

Praying for you in the lose of your precious foster children.

lesli said...

thanks, hope! we appreciate your prayers and know that's what will carry us through this.