Wednesday, February 2, 2011

a lot to think about

today our paperwork should have been taken to the US embassy in ethiopia to be filed! this is the news we've been waiting to hear for the last 6 weeks, and it's a concrete reminder that we're getting closer each day to bringing our boy home! of course thinking about greer finally being home brings me SUCH joy and excitement, but if i'm being totally honest, it also brings me a lot of fear. with the joy of knowing that greer should be home within the next 4 to 5 weeks, also comes the reality of being a forever parent to a child i don't really even know...

i'm sure i've mentioned it before, but by nature {or rather, sinful nature, probably}, i am a typically fearful person. my first reaction to something new or unfamiliar is generally to be scared, rather than to cling to the Lord for His strength, and this is something i've been working out with the Lord for awhile now. however, i must admit that finally being so close to the finish line with our adoption of greer has left me a little panic stricken. i'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that ryan and i are finally going to begin the permanent family we've been waiting for, and that this time, our kiddos aren't going any where.

call it normal pregnancy side effects, call it stress, call it foster care PTSD {ok, probably a stretch!}...i dunno, but for the last several nights i've had a hard time sleeping as i think about all that is about to unfold in our lives. the thought of a child {well 2 children really!} finally being ours and not having to worry about when the other shoe will drop is totally new to us. we spent the entire year we fostered R and P just waiting and wondering when we'd be told that they'd be leaving us. still, sure enough when it happened, we could never have been prepared for that loss.

if you ask me what God has taught me throughout the last couple years of fostering and walking this journey to adopt greer, i would probably quickly tell you that it is to trust Him and to know that He will always provide. this is definitely a true statement, but i can also tell you that i'm still not there yet. many days i still doubt that God is going to take care of me and provide what i need, and that's the ugly truth. this is seen by my reactions to things that i can't control: the worry, the sleepless nights, the constant fretting over what to do next. i know i drive ryan crazy with this stuff, but it's something that i have a hard time shutting off. anyways, not to be a debbie downer or anything, but i'm just trying to keep it real.

adoption is a scary, emotional, roller-coaster ride, and we're really still just at the beginning!! sure, the fun part is about to come...we're finally going to be united as a family with our long-awaited son, BUT we're also about to face the reality of adoption that sometimes isn't so pretty. we know there will be a lot of work to do to help greer transition into our family and attach properly, and that this job will probably never be done. we also know that we will be faced with many questions as he grows and matures about his past, about his biological family, about our different skin colors, and much more. yikes! i don't think there are enough books in the world to prepare you for this stuff!!

i know i've said this before, but adoption is a miracle. the fact that children from other countries are released by their governments and allowed to become american citizens is a miracle. the fact that with every adoption, there are probably about a thousand things that can go wrong, but kids are still getting adopted every day is a miracle. thinking about how God walked us through raising $25,000 is a miracle. knowing that God gave strength to a beautiful, young, first time mother so that she could make an adoption plan for her child AND that we have the privilege of raising him is a miracle.

God is in the business of adoption and He's surely still in the business of miracles, so what's not to trust?? i'm working on thinking all this through and appreciate you all hanging in for the ride.