Saturday, June 26, 2010

visitation update for R & P

we heard from the boys' social worker yesterday that the state is going to be increasing R & P's visitation with their mom beginning in july. instead of just getting a 4 hour visit each week, she'll now be getting two 4 hour visit each week.

ryan and i agree that this news is bittersweet. we're glad that the boys are getting to spend more time with their mom but we fearful about the changes these added visits will bring for our family. we also know that with the increased visits, the unavoidable reality of our situation is that the boys are going back to live with their mom sometime in the near future. it's much more difficult though to experience the changes than it is to just talk about them. we've known for 7 months or so that the plan was to return the boys to their mother, but the reality of it actually being put into motion now is sobering.

we haven't told R yet about the news because the social worker asked us to wait until she gets a chance to tell the boys' mom on monday. i am not looking forward to telling R the news. if i'm being totally honest, it is painful for me to see the excitement that i know R will express over seeing his mom these extra hours. the longing of my heart is for his excitement to be over staying with us and joining our family, but i know that's a selfish and horrible way to think. i will paint on a happy face for R as we tell him the news, but deep down i could not be more sad. however, i know that his time with us has only been 8+ months and he's had 13 years of living with his mom on and off. i know mentally that it's only natural for him to long for his mother regardless of her shortcomings. emotionally though, R & P are the only children i have ever "mothered" so i am heartbroken over this impending loss. the loss includes not only the boys, but also the loss of a part of my identity. i dread the day that our house is empty, clean, and quiet again! once again, this pain only brings out the ugliness of the sin in my heart and i'm just praying that God will walk me through this and change me.

on a positive note, i know i've said this a lot before, but while fostering is hard, i know it is worth it. the last several months with the boys has been the craziest time of my life but i am so grateful for the opportunities we've been given to grow as people, parents and a family. i know God is using this experience to better prepare us for parenting and life with our ethiopian child. we have a new perspective on loss and i hope it will only help grow our respect and admiration for our future child's birth family. if it is this painful for us to love and lose children not of our own bodies, i cannot imagine how painful it is for our future child's birth mother to choose adoption for her child...

"you intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." -Genesis 50:20


Anonymous said...

Leslie just found your blog through Confessions of a Paper Freak and it is amazing how God is using you in this world. I am praying for both of you and for your foster boys and your baby in Africa

Katie R said...

It's a pleasure to see God using you. Sorry it's far from easy. I am praying for you and your current and future family. :)