Friday, November 19, 2010

missing R & P

i know it's been awhile since i've mentioned anything about R & P. this is mostly just because the boys are still a pretty hard topic for me to talk about. although they have been officially back with their mom for 6 weeks now, the loss is still fresh and i have found it increasingly hard to put myself out there about this and to be vulnerable. perhaps it is my sinful desire to appear like ryan and i have it altogether. or, perhaps it is just easier to avoid the topic so i don't turn into an emotional train wreck. either way, i figure it is time to break the silence...for no one really except myself.

looking back, i am beginning to think that the first few weeks after saying goodbye to them were almost the easiest for two reasons. number 1, the idea of it just being me and ryan again in the house was pretty novel. we no longer had to rush around from here and there picking up kids after work, and no longer had to arrange babysitters when we had plans by ourselves. number 2, we were both very hopeful about the type of relationship we'd get to maintain with the boys in the future. we thought for sure that we'd still see them every few weeks and even had hopes of picking R up on sunday mornings for church.

now, 6 weeks removed, it almost seems like we're fighting an uphill battle. the reality of the boys being gone and the reality of being able to maintain almost no sort of relationship with them has finally hit us. it's not quite as novel to come home to a quiet, empty house any more. it's also very painful to realize that we'll never have the chance again to be involved in their lives as we once were. it is hard every day...hard to walk by their rooms, hard to hear certain songs on the radio that R loved, hard to see all the toys tucked into the playroom instead of strung about the house. this is our new reality.

now, i cannot tell you how many people have told us over the last 16 months that there is no way they could be foster parents. most people say that they have no idea how they could love children and have them in their homes only to have to let go. truthfully, ryan and i cannot do this either {see exhibit A above}. i can't tell you how long i told God the same thing. i told Him that i didn't want to foster because it was too hard. i just wanted to love a baby that i knew was going to be mine forever because i'm too emotional to handle such a loss. i told Him that i would gladly adopt, but i didn't want to have to go through the rollercoaster of foster care. well, He didn't listen. He kept speaking truth to my heart through friends, through His word and through my times of seeking Him in prayer. He didn't give up on me or on His plan. thankfully, even through this recent heartache of saying goodbye to R & P, He's still yet to give up on me. it's true - ryan and i cannot love children and just let them go...not on our own at least.

this has been one of the hardest times of my life, despite all the joy and blessings that have been outpoured on our family recently. BUT, God is seeing us through. even as i write this, i cannot keep back the tears. these days, it only takes the slightest mention of the boys' names and the floodgates are open! however, despite the pain, i know that God is weaving and crafting a beautiful plan out of all of this. i know that He brought those boys into our lives at the perfect time for a reason. i also know that He allowed them to go back to their mother at the perfect time, also for a reason. while we still are too shortsighted to know what those reasons may be, we are trusting Him, even though it's hard, and He is giving us the strength we need to make it through the hardest of days. to Him be the glory!

"to grant to those who mourn in zion-- to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified." -Isaiah 61:3


Meliski said...

Great post. You guys are superstars. Loved the Isaiah reference, I have been digging Isaiah myself lately. :)

Barry and Amy said...

I've been there and i"m so sorry. It's so hard. The sadness gets more spread out and you have longer reprieves from it but it never goes away. But God will get you through and I'm thankful for the blessing you were and are to those kiddos.

The Moore Family said...

Thank you for being so transparent, that can't be easy. I am so sorry you all are going through this, I didn't know the struggle you had with not wanting to do foster care. I'm probably one of the people who said "I could never do that" and I'm sorry. :( I know you were such a tremendous blessing for those sweet boys and God had them with you all because he knew what an amazing impact you would have on them... and still will have on them! Love you guys and praying for you and your 2 babies!

Brooke said...

when we talk about fostering, people say the same thing, "we could never do it". I always use you as an example. How can you pass up an opportunity to EFFECT A LIFE?? It might be the hardest thing you've ever done...but you have been a lasting change in someone's life. Maybe not now. But in their lives in the future!!! Anyway, I knew Ryan was hurting the other day. He was telling me lots of stories about P when the little ones were around. Praying for you right now as I write this. That your heart would feel full. That you would feel comforted in the amazing parents you were, are, and will continue to be. To whatever children God trusts you with. Love to you, sweet friend!! Traveling to E is comign SO SOON!!