Tuesday, October 12, 2010

i'm alive, but just not feeling very inspired or energetic enough to blog much. this past weekend was hard and draining. ryan and i are both still very much riding a roller-coaster of emotions when it comes to the boys. part of us is very ready to move on, yet i think we're both trying to hold on in other ways too. it's hard to be at our house right now. it just feels empty and too quiet. i know after awhile it will feel normal again {probably just in time to bring our sweet greer baby home} so i'm looking forward to then. in the meantime, we're trying to stay positive and continue reminding ourselves that the boys were never our children in the first place...just a blessing for a short time from the Lord. our prayer is still that God has big things in store for each boy, and that somehow we can remain a part of their lives if He sees fit!

without trying to overexpose my usually comedic and crazy husband, i will say that i think he has had a much harder time in the past few days than me. i'm not saying this to pretend that i'm the picture of having it all together, because that's definitely untrue. however, i do think it just highlights the differences in the way ryan and i each deal with grief. i'm pretty sure that i have been preparing myself gradually for this over the last several weeks. this can be confirmed by countless friends who have witnessed emotional breakdowns/tear-fests just at the mention of the court date. ryan, on the other hand, has been very supportive and optimistic these last few months. i think he knew what was coming but just hadn't really began to process it yet. because of this, we spent most of the weekend tucking away car seats, video games, strollers, baby toys, etc. so that they were "out of sight, out of mind". though i don't think that's really working yet...

with our eyes trying to focus more on the great things to come for our family, i think we've both been naturally drawn to think of our sweet little greer more and more. the busyness of having the boys around made it hard for us to think too much during our normal routine on our little guy waiting for us, but now that's definitely not the case. i find my mind drifting to him and wondering what he's doing in ethiopia more often throughout the day. i even have found myself looking at the time in addis ababa and wondering if he's taking a nap, having playtime, or maybe enjoying himself a snack. this has been a great change of pace. i have been much more intentional to pray for him, for his care and health, and for his little heart to be prepared to join our family.

i have also been thinking a lot about his birth momma. from what we know of her, she seems to be a very brave woman. she made a lot of sacrifices to give our son life and a chance to thrive, and for that i'll forever be grateful. the sense of loss we are feeling with the boys gives me a completely new perspective on her, and quite frankly, it breaks my heart. i know she has given us such a precious gift that brings us so much joy, but that's not without causing her intense and deep pain herself. i pray for her, and i also pray that we'll get the opportunity to look in her eyes and try for just a few minutes to express our gratitude for her ultimate gift of love and sacrifice.

thank you to all of you who have called, emailed and just checked in on us. i'm sorry if i haven't gotten back to you or picked up the phone. i promise i'm not avoiding you on purpose, just taking some time to myself and time with the Lord to sort through this stuff as much as i can. this verse posted by joy's hope has been ministering to me:


jody said...

Les, praying for you and Ryan. Dear friend, I so admire your courage to step out and love children that God let you "borrow". I pray for the boys, too... My heart just breaks thinking of you and Ryan packing up... love you!