Tuesday, July 27, 2010

"our" boys

today started with a pretty emotional morning. ryan is out of town so i dropped the boys off for their visit with their mom this morning myself. it was their first visit with her since july 15th, and it was an emotional one for me. after being out of town with the boys, it was very easy to convince myself that they are "our" {ryan & me} boys. during our trip, we didn't receive any phone calls from the boys' mom, have to see her for visits, or have any home visits with social workers. on one hand, it was really nice, but now after the fact, us being gone and out of touch has made things really hard to jump back in to real life.

to briefly recap, last week was really great for toddler P and i. we spent pretty much every waking moment together, which i absolutely loved!! we were literally attached at the hip, unless he was toddling off somewhere mischievously :) by the end of the week, P was even refusing to go to his usually favored nana {my mom}, who normally keeps him while i work...i'm pretty sure a total first!

R also had a great time in georgia and had many firsts of his own - his first day boating on lake hartwell, his first trip to a water park, his first treadmill leg burn {ummm...this is one first i would have liked to avoid, but boys will be boys and that includes trying out new tricks on treadmills going full speed while wearing wet flip flops!}, etc. during the entire trip, he was so obedient, eager to socialize with other kids and seemed to have a much lighter air about him. i loved seeing him so happy and in his own element!

however, now that we're back to reality...it honestly kinda stinks. like i said, i took the boys this morning for their visit and unfortunately mr. P once again did not want to go to his mom. he kept turning his back to her when she was reaching for him and when she finally grabbed him, he kept leaning over for me and was about to cry. his mom eventually put him down because he was squirming so much and he walked straight over, reached his arms up for me, and began crying when i tried to redirect him to his mom. it was once again awkward, sobering and heartbreaking at the same time. i quickly ended our conversation and got in the car so that the weirdness could be over. i didn't even make it out of the parking spot before my tears began to flow. thankfully i had on sunglasses so i don't think anyone noticed! i prayed silently for the boys to be safe and for the strength to continue my day as planned, but i seriously just wanted to drive straight home, get in my pajamas and spend the afternoon watching sappy movies and crying the ugly cry.

these days are the part of being a foster parent that i hate! i hate being confronted with the reality that even after more than 9 months of parenting, R and P are not our kids. i hate facing the reality that the goal is still reunification and probably always will be unless something tragic happens. i hate dealing with the ugliness and sin that lies within my own heart when i see the boys' mom. i hate seeing the reality that once again, i am not in control...not of this, not of our ethiopian adoption, and pretty much not of anything. {ugh. that one definitely stings the most for my obsessive, control freak personality!} ultimately i do know that God is the only one in control - not the state, not the social workers, not the boys' mom and certainly not me. He sees the big picture and says that He knows the plans He has for me and our family...plans to give us hope and a future!! {jer. 29:11}

plus, there are many days in foster care that i love...and i'm pretty sure that these days outweigh the others!! despite my crazy emotional state today, i am trying to stay focused on these days. for instance, i love seeing R finally get something. like a few weeks ago when he reminded me that he needed to write thank-you notes for his birthday gifts and he worked so hard to make them personal and sweet. i love when little P flashes me the biggest smile in the mornings when i go into his room. i love seeing R fold right in to our families and act like he's been there all along. i love watching ryan talk with the boys' mom, showing genuine care and concern for her {i'm still working on this!}. i love experiencing all the fun baby stages and learning right alongside P...

i'm pretty sure i've written at least 10 similar posts to this one, so please forgive me for the monotony! for whatever reason, this blog has served as a much needed catharsis for me from time to time, and it seems like today is one of those days. my biggest fear though is that i will scare people off from the foster care system by my crazy ramblings. please know that it is totally worth all the tears and most days, i would not change a thing!!

ok, enough from the emotional, crazy woman that is me today. i hope you are having a great one and i will post again when i'm sane - if such a time ever comes!


Justin and Donna Brown said...

My heart aches for you Lesley! I can't imagine walking in your shoes. We will be praying that God will continue to give you strength.

Amanda May said...

I can't tell you how much I admire you. Fostering must be the most noble thing a person can do. It's probably one of the hardest, least rewarding, yet best jobs in the world! I'm so grateful to Eli's foster mother for everything she did. My heart still breaks for her... I can't imagine being separated from him, and I haven't even known him half the time she did!

You're doing a great job. Praying for you!

lesli said...

thanks y'all. i feel like such a whiner sometimes because there are so many other foster parents out there who have cared for tons and tons of kiddos. i know we've only cared for a drop in the bucket, but i'm still glad we've done it. the Lord is teaching ryan and i A LOT through this crazy roller-coaster!