Wednesday, March 10, 2010

emotional basket case

ryan and i have a long standing joke about "being an emotional basket case". i'm not even sure exactly when it started, but i'm thinking it was either our senior year of high school or freshman year of college. you see, at the time i was one of those mean girlfriends who forced their boyfriends to watch bad reality tv. (*oh wait, i think i still do that even though we're married...hmmm.)

anyway, we were just wrapping up an episode of "the bachelor" when the exit interview of one of the rejected girls became the source of our running inside joke. the girl had not been picked and was very distraught about it. (*side bar for all you fellow bachelor watchers - it was not down to the last 5 girls or anything...i think it was only the second show of the season). so, this girl proceeds to gush to the cameras about her heart break, and mid-sob says, "i just want another chance to prove that i'm not an emotional basket case".

ryan and i both immediately died laughing. not so much at this poor rejected woman, but more at the irony of her statement. needless to say, this phrase lives on in our lives!! there have been countless occurrences over the last several years where mid-sob or post-sob, either ryan or i will repeat this lovely phrase to each other. it's become our way of telling the other person that it's ok to cry the ugly-cry from time to time :)

well, i've been having several public and private ugly-cries lately. i'm just feeling really torn lately about the boys heading back to their mom in the next few months. sometimes i think about what a relief it will be like to have my "normal life" back, but then a few seconds later, i remember that this is normal life now. i also have a hard time thinking about the boys' mom and knowing what to feel. at times i feel encouraged to see her trying and i think that she really could be different this time around. however, then other times i think about the basics that she didn't provide for R and wonder why P has to endure those same experiences too.

also, ryan and i have been doing a lot of praying and pleading with God lately about where to go from here. after experiencing the emotions of fostering firsthand for the last 6 months both ryan and i agree that we need to take a much needed break from fostering for a while. now, that's not to say that after some time passes and our hearts mend a little that we won't dive back into fostering again (*because according to albert einstein, we're just insane like that - "insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"). however, we just need a break. i cannot describe the pressure of living under the constant thumb of "the system". it is truly enough to drive someone insane at times!

at the same time though, we still want to have a family and we still feel called to begin our family through adoption!! and no, we do not have any infertility problems that we're aware of. and yes, we do know that it would probably be much cheaper and less painstaking to have a birth child. we completely understand and have heard these point of views (*quite a few times actually) but that does not change the fact that our hearts are telling us to take a different path. we know that adoption is not God's plan for everyone, but we do believe that it is His plan for us. until we hear/feel differently from Him, we want to continue to pursue adoption. so, where to from here God? that's what we're trying to figure out now.

anyways, please excuse my emotional unload today but i've just been processing through a lot of stuff lately. in no way do i want to discourage anyone from fostering, but i do want to relay the reality of the hardships that come along with it. it's not for the faint of heart, and i know that without the Lord's guidance and strength throughout this process, you'd have to visit me in the looney bin to find out what's new in my life instead of this blog :)

all this to really say... i just really want another chance to prove that i'm not an emotional basket case!!!


Amber said...

I love this very real post. I feel so "charred" by the system right really is difficult to process at times.
You know I "get it" though. We have 2 added family members because of said I can't feel completely used up by it. ;0)
Stay the course...the leaving part is ALWAYS tough.

lesli said...

thanks, amber! i know you definitely get it :) there have been many times i've read your blog and been right there with you too, even though i'm still a newby to it all. thanks for your needed encouragement!