Wednesday, November 18, 2009

fostering is hard.

i have not felt up to blogging much lately. we are so busy all the time that it's hard to take a break and have a few moments to myself, but when i do, i mostly want to read other people's blogs, surf the web, or just lay on the couch :) also, i think i'm a little fearful to document too much of this process for fear that things will change dramatically and i'll be left having to pick up the pieces of my heart and write about it at the same time. but, for the sake of honesty, i will say that fostering is hard!!! much harder than i thought! giving everything you have - time, energy, resources, and most importantly, LOVE, to kiddos who may never remember you or may grow to resent you, really sucks sometimes. i want to think that the things that we're doing for these boys will have an impact on their lives and for their eternity, but you just never know. it's the selfish side of my heart that makes this process so hard. i want to think that we will get to see these boys grow up to be strong men who love the Lord and who love us, but again, you just never know. God could have something totally different in store for their lives, and we have to accept that blindly.

it's also hard to think about what the outcome of everything may be. if i would let myself, i could probably run through a million different scenarios of how this placement will end, but for my sanity, i do not. i try to focus on the facts, and the things i know to be true about their case...things like, their worker said that this is not a concurrent placement, but just a foster placement...things like, R loves and misses his mom even though he's had to live through a lot of her mistakes...things like, P will probably not remember these several months of his life with us but we're still giving him a great foundation...things like, they have a whole extended family out there that loves them best as they can and that wants to see them succeed.

i'm not sure how anyone could really just be in fostering "for the money" as you hear people say so often. the money isn't sufficient enough to care for these kids' basic needs, much yet cover the emotional rollercoaster that we are all going through. if it were not for the love of our sweet Savior, we truly could not do this...not now, not ever. there is no amount of money in the world that would motivate us to take this journey - only the knowledge that God loves us so much more than we can imagine and that He is so worth showing love to others. He is the example we can only hope to strive for. we just hope that R and P will one day understand His love in a personal way, and that we could possibly share in a little of that joy.


Jennifer said...

So glad to read a post from you. I've been thinking about you. May God truly bless you for what you are doing in these children's lives. Like you said, "Laying a foundation", you are making a difference. Just stay strong, give it all to God and He will direct you!! GOD BLESS!!

Annie said...

I admire you both so much for what you're doing. And no matter the outcome, you are glorifying God by caring for orphans. That's all that matters. Press on, sister!

Hope said...

I know exactly what you mean.

We are currently grieving the loss of our foster son that we had for 8 months. The way he left our home makes no sense to me, but I am trusting in God and His plan.

Praying that God will keep you and your family strong throughout this rigorous, yet amazing experience.