Monday, August 24, 2009

baby sam update

this weekend i got to spend time with my most favoritest little guy in the world - sam!!!!!! my sister and jason got to keep him for the weekend, now that his bio mom officially has custody of him back. jenn went to get him friday morning from daycare, and as soon as he saw her, he took off crawling in her direction! he obviously still knows her, and to my delight, still knows me too :) i saw him for the first time at lunch on friday, and was overwhelmed with how much he has grown in 6 short weeks! he's still tiny for his age, but looked like he'd grown several inches taller. he has always loved to play with my jewelry, especially a certain necklace, so i made a point to wear it friday, and sure enough, he played happily with it. at lunch, even though it was chaotic to have an active little one year old around again, i was so happy and life felt normal again!

we had a fun weekend spending time together, but unfortunately, he wasn't feeling real great. he's got an ear infection and a pretty wicked cough going on, but hopefully, the meds he's on will getting him cleared up and feeling better in no time. saturday night, he was at our house with the whole clan and we got to try out some of our baby set-up on him. he got a bath in our tub with all the baby wash, lotion, etc. that jenn has given us, then i got to rock him for awhile in our newly recovered glider. i loved holding him and rocking him while he slept. i just listened to his sweet baby noises and prayed over him. it was emotional for all of us, but especially ryan. he was having a hard time opening that wound again since he had just felt like he got it to close a bit.

yesterday, i went with my sister to take him "home" but i kinda wish now that i didn't. it was harder than i thought to see where he was living and the kind of interaction he has with his "family". it seriously felt like a live version of those cereal box puzzles where you find what doesn't fit in the picture...what doesn't fit in this apartment?? sam!! in my mind, he will always fit with us, and a lifetime can't change that, much less 6 short weeks.

anyways, last night was rough. i found myself welling up with the same sorrow and fears that i did 6 weeks ago when sam first left. i doubted God. i doubted that His plan is perfect. i doubted that we are prepared enough to be foster parents. thankfully, my sweet husband was there for me to pray me through a give me the right perspective. he just kept asking, "why do you think you're having such a hard time with this? do you think you are really believing God? do you really trust Him?" it's so hard to trust that God is in control when things seem wrong to me, but i know that this is the time i need to trust Him the most. i am trying to offer forgiveness and a chance to his bio-mom but it's just so hard. i know the type of forgiveness she needs is the same type i need from my Savior, but that's much easier to type out than it is to live out. i'm struggling. i'm wondering. i'm praying this doesn't happen again to us and to our sweet friends. i cannot do this again but i know that if He calls us to, we will not have to do it but He will carry us through...

ahhhhhhhh! i wish i could just push all this emotion back in but it's out there, and now for all to see :) anyways, i'm hanging on but not by the skin of my teeth but by the grace of my Savior.